I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
