is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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