We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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