Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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