Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
