I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I have fence marks all over my body
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
we're so committed to being not committed
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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