So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
