Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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