I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
