I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
