My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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