Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I wish there were birth control emojis
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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