Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
