$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
