i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
How's work?
Spinning.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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