Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
