There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
