Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
