...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
