i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
