Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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