My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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