Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
