Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Randomize
