Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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