this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
