My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Randomize
