Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
