Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
