ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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