Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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