my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
