i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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