does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
