i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
