It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
