I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
