Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Randomize
