i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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