WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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