I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I just forgot I was standing up.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
