Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
