where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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