I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
