chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
