mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
