Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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