I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Let's get the cat blown out
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
