just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Randomize
