i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
